This essential one shot delivers thrilling spy adventure and is filled with major revelations for the story of Buffy Season Eight!

Fuckin’ Riley.

Me and my friends who watched Buffy hated him so bad that it was requisite and mandatory to prepend the word “Fuckin’” to Riley’s name every time you were unlucky enough to have need to utter it.

Riley is a needy little bitch whose whiny pussy presence is the one thing that threatens to tarnish the absolute perfection of the acclaimed Emmy-nominated Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode “Hush”, which is probably my favorite Buffy episode of all time. And I wouldn’t have to say “probably” if Riley weren’t in it.

Even if this one-shot turns out to be crushingly crucial to the Buffy ‘verse, even if it turns out to be the best one-shot in the history of comic books ever, I’ll never know because I refuse to read it.

Fuckin’ Riley.

The phone sex line was for fantasy… now it’s for murder!

I was surfing On-Demand the other night to find a free horror movie to watch, lazily buttoning around in my usual lackluster manner… until I happened upon Out of the Dark. I could barely believe my eyes: cult stars Karen Black, Budd Cort and frickin’ Divine starring in a film about a slasher in a clown mask with a taste for phone sex girls! Where has this movie been all my life?!

I pressed play and settled back into the lazy boy with a big shit-eating grin on my face. Within the first few minutes some lady’s bare jugs were bouncing across my flat panel TV in larger-than-life-size glory, and I felt like I had struck cheesy horror B-movie gold.

Bobo is one seriously messed up clown, a few rings short of a three ring circus. He’s into self-mutilation and talking dirty, slicing his nipples in masochistic masturbatory bliss while making regular death threats over the phone to the sex girls at “Suite Nothings”. The ladies get a little creeped out, but not too bad… until one by one, they begin meeting grisly deaths!

The first half hour was awesome, but then I started noticing that the killings were a little, well, dead. Not very creative, and not very gory. Downright boring, to be honest. Then Karen Black mysteriously disappeared about halfway through the movie, which didn’t help at all. It was kind of like the writer just plain forgot her character existed. Bud Cort turned in a cheesy but very brief appearance. And Divine was onscreen for only a few moments, playing a startlingly straight role. I learned later that this was Divine’s last role before his untimely passing, which is a little sad.

My initial excitement was slowly getting strangled to death like one of the doomed phone sex girls until it finally breathed its last breath during the last 30 minutes of the movie, which sadly devolves into clichés like “They got the wrong guy!” and “Boo! I’m not actually dead!”. All in all, what started out as a pleasant surprise that I felt lucky to stumble across ended up stumbling unpleasantly, which isn’t very surprising given how obscure this film has managed to remain despite its B-movie star-power. Maybe if I was one of those unlucky folks who are truly terrified of clowns I would have liked this one better…

Meanwhile the Anime Network is planning to simulcast subtitled episodes of High School of the Dead, which is being directed by Tetsuro Araki (Death Note, Black Lagoon). The episodes will be available via the Anime Network official Website’s online player. The series debuts in Japan on July 5th, and the first episode will be available on the Anime Network site at 12 AM (midnight Sunday) Central Daylight Time. Subsequent episodes will be streamed at 10 PM (CDT) on Sundays.

Alright, this one’s easy. No, no, I don’t mean Alyssa Milano is easy. (Though wouldn’t it be nice if she was). I just mean its a no-brainer to include her in my incredible collection of horror babes. After all, she’s in the top 2 out of 3 hotties on my favorite show to watch with the volume turned off: Charmed.

After warming up with Charmed on mute, I finish my workout by popping in Embrace of the Vampire and feeling the burn. Literally. By the end of this movie I’ll have a good friction burn going on exactly where I don’t want one. But its worth it. She has the most incredible rack in any horror movie ever. And we’re not talking quick booby flash. There’s plenty of time with her topless titties to get lots and lots of reps in. Alright, time to hit the showers.

Me and my buddy Shipwreck Will just watched Sars Wars: Bangkok Zombie Crisis, and it was off-the-wall asinine good times! With a name like that, you know its got to be. I thought the Japanese made some crazy ass movies, but the Thai really claimed the crazy crown with this one. It was super awesome, not only were there bloodthirsty zombies running around to worry about, there were also murderous (yet goofy) gangsters to watch out for, and to top it all off there was also a huge mutant snake that would swallow people whole! One thing that made it extra crazy was that the actors continually broke the 4th wall, commenting to the audience about how ridiculous the movie was, and how much money they were wasting while filming it. I’m not gonna lie, I found a lot of parts very confusing, and a lot of parts very corny. Maybe that’s what made it so awesome. If you like crazy asian comedy along the lines of Tokyo Gore Police and Meatball Machine, then don’t miss this one! Check out the trailer: