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Undead or Alive (2007) Movie Review

UNDEAD OR ALIVE

Starring: James Denton, Chris Kattan, Navi Rawat

Ever been slapped in the face, replay it in your head, and come to the realization that it didn’t hurt as much as it looked like it did? For me, when a movie is about to show tits, I get a small build-up of excitement right before they’re unleashed like diamonds from a velvet bag. It’s a quick release… of air that is, no longer torturing the imagination. No more guessing as to what size they could be or if they’re like soft pancakes or firm like oranges. No, the shirt lifted into the sky or the bra unattached makes men and women verify the imaginative calculations inside the mystery box, and when the film dodges that scene by lifting up the camera and not showing the fleshy teardrops, it creates a sensation that is all but quickly forgotten. It’s what I like to call, “The Virtual Slap-In-The-Face”.

The best part is that I’m not entirely a boob man as the booty and long slender legs of actresses catch my attention before their acting skills come into play, but for Undead or Alive, it’s a tease unlike any other. Navi Rawat quickly eats up the screen when she makes her first appearance into the movie, basically telling James Denton that he’s too good for the movie and Chris Kattan that he’s out of his league. She’s charming, cocky, clever, and pure eye candy, and for most men (and chicas) that dig these kinda girls, the boobs come into play. It’s a horror-western movie, Rated-R, and destined to show some T&A, so when Navi’s sexy ass shows up, the male audience cheers in Mardi Gras delight. “Show us yer tits!!!” So the director, South Park alum Glasgow Phillips, sets up a scene for our tender fantasies where Navi’s character takes a bath in a pool of dirty spring water surrounded by large rocks. Chris Kattan, trying to play a straight guy with a crush on Navi wearing the gayest Cowboy shirt ever made, spots her and does his version of ogling. Navi responds with water ever so slightly above the ta-ta’s. “Are you gonna stand there and just stare?” And the male audience along with Doug Butabi nod like obedient children. “Yes Navi. We want to see your boobs.” Navi cocks her head and smiles, “Okay, let’s whip these puppies out then” And so she rises from the dirty, filthy water to let it all out… only for the camera to move with her and avoid any showing of Navi Rawat’s tits!!! I screamed in the air, “What? PG-13??? God dammnit!” And that’s when I received said Virtual Slap-In-The-Face.

I can’t believe I just spent most of this review on the biggest blue-ball explosion in recent years, where boobs would actually increase the likeability of Undead or Alive. I mean, that’s not entirely accurate. There actually ARE boobs shown in the movie: Zombie boobs. And they’re gross, actually making Navi’s tease shot even harder to accept. Yeah sure, she’s a sweetheart and it would be like seeing Anne Hathaway showing her boobs in The Princess Diaries, but you know what… I HAVE seen her boobs, (in Havoc) and they’re wonderful. So it’s not like it would hurt Navi’s career here to show the juicy bosoms when it’s the underlying intention from the get-go. So there you have it, the biggest disappointment of the film, and I had to get that off my jealous, hairy male chest.

The rest of Undead or Alive? About as mediocre as it gets which is why it took me two weeks to write this damn review. It’s so mediocre, it makes jokes run away like screaming children entering health class for the first time. I’m on my third beer as I write this because it’s the only thing helping really. I tried watching Dumb and Dumber to get the blood flowing, and even a little Blazing Saddles, but I realized after Mongo gets blown up that I need to pull out the big gun. I needed the Milwaukee’s Best Light.

I don’t hate this film, but I don’t much care for it either. It’s a strange case of a film trying to blend too much together in a pot stirred by an inexperienced director which most of the time, leads to disastrous results. But the amazing part is the cast and crew all got along great, and seemingly had a blast making the film. This keeps it from falling apart in Glasgow’s hands because it easily could have. All the right ingredients are there in making this zombie western be potentially good; it’s just that the measuring cup wasn’t used correctly. Or used it all really.

James Denton, who plays Mike Delfino on Desperate Housewives, is the ideal rugged cowboy. Dress him up in the Western leather and slap on some guns and Denton plays the part. However, this film is also a comedy, and sorry to say, Denton doesn’t have the comedic timing to pull off the quick gags. It’s a dry humor that makes the Mohave Desert sweat. But he’s a good guy, great to work with, so it evens out on screen. It’s a mediocre performance, probably caused by his costar. Chris Kattan, known commonly and to quite a cringe-worthy effect as Corky Romano, tries to play it straight with no SNL body movements and no high-pitched sound effects that could make the hardest German Shepard whine like a baby. However, he too suffers from miscasting as his “Aura of Peepers” haunts him like a stink caught from fish markets on fire. It’s a zombie-western-comedy fer crying out loud. Let him loose! Instead, we experience that dreadful “grunt” of a laugh from a few sneaky jokes. You know what I’m talking about. The one where your throat hurts afterwards and you ask yourself, “Did that sound really just emit from the back of my throat?” And then there’s Navi. I think we covered that part. Literally.

There really isn’t any real horror in this flick. The “undead” zombies are harmless, and when they start attacking people, the quick flash of Geronimo is more headache inducing than disturbing. The gore is plastic, where many of my friends have showcased and done better at Halloween parties and haunted houses. A simple camera filter could have fixed that really as lighting is mainly at fault, but again, another common mistake made by a first timer. I think Glasgow Phillips has potential in being a notable director, and he could definitely make television shows like Supernatural and Burn Notice enjoyable, but if he’s to stay in the movie game, Phillips will need to go with one genre and have all those mistakes left for dead on Undead or Alive. And don’t ever, EVER, tease the audience again by not showing boobs when you intend on showing boobs. That’s not funny. That’s just wrong buddy. Dead wrong.

And now I’ve got that darn Undead or Alive theme song stuck in my head. Pretty crazy when it’s catchy and karaoke worthy. Geronimo!

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